My mother, without asking me first, invited her good friend’s granddaughter to be the flower girl in my wedding. Boyfiend and I had no intention of having a flower girl.
I was furious when she first told me that she had made a decision about my wedding without asking me first. I was going to refuse out of principal. When she nearly burst into tears I realized that this is really, really important to my mother, and if I refuse to make the concession she’ll look like a smacked ass. She doesn’t want to be humiliated, and I don’t need another fight with my mother.
But she went ahead and made a decision without me. Whether she wants to accept it or not, it’s my wedding. If I allow her the flower girl am I setting a precedent? Will she think that it’s okay for her make decisions without consulting me first? Perhaps if she was paying for the wedding I’d be more apt to allow her this one decision, but she’s not. And at some point she needs to learn how to act like an adult and take responsibility for her mistakes. This was a big mistake on her part, making a promise she can’t keep. But my mom’s crazy. When she cuts someone off, that’s it. She hasn’t spoken to her brother in more than ten years.
I’m leaning towards letting it slide. Perhaps the flower girl’s mother will think it’s more trouble than it’s worth and she’ll simply thank me for the offer and decline. I don’t want this to be something that my mother holds against me for the rest of my life. With her I have to choose my battles and I’m not sure if this one is worth the effort.
What would you do?
Anonymous | 27-Dec-04 at 12:50 am | Permalink
my instinct is to let it slide. can you tell her something like “this is your one freebie mom”?
E2
Anonymous | 27-Dec-04 at 12:52 am | Permalink
I would fight her on this. You let this slide, she’ll do more and more planning of the wedding on her own, trust me, I speak from experience!!
Don’t let her tears fool you - she made a decision knowing full well she hadn’t asked you to begin with - which should clue you in that she really doesn’t give a shit what you think or say about your wedding.
Remember, it is YOUR wedding, not hers. You’ll be the one looking back at it in 5, 10, 25, 50 years. Don’t let her ruin your memories of it.
Has she always been so controlling? You need to nip it now, otherwise, will she run your marriage as well??
Richard | 27-Dec-04 at 9:55 am | Permalink
Maybe you could have a word with your mother’s friend and let her know that, while you were considering having a flower girl at one point and were looking around, you’ve decided to struture the wedding without one?
And I agree, don’t let this slide. Remember the golden rule - she who has the gold makes the rules. This was a big part of the reason that we didn’t ask for any help with paying for our wedding (just over a year ago) - we wanted to retain full creative control. And anyway, had you wanted a flower girl, you would have presumably wanted someone special to you, not to your mother.
With her, maybe you just need to sit down and say that this is your party. You’re hosting it, you’re organizing it. If she wants to throw the two of you a party at which you’ll be the guests of honor, that’s fine - you’ll be happy to attend and she can do whatever she wants. But this one is yours, for your friends (including family, of course).
Karry | 27-Dec-04 at 10:09 pm | Permalink
My gut instinct is to not rock the boat, but what the heck??? she’s rocking your boat and based on what she said to you about the wedding “it’s not about you” and also what she did with the lawyer, I would stick to your guns - don’t let it slide cause it will become a wedge she will use to pry more things from you. Draw the line and then DO NOT FLEX IT. She’s going to be pissed but she will realize you aren’t a pushover and someday hopefully she will respect you for it. Lord knows you will respect yourself for it and that’s the important thing in the long run.
But don’t take my advice, I’m only the internet voice speaking to you. Listen to your heart and do what you must do.
Good luck.
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