girlfiend

Yeah, you. Enough with the bitching. Live 8 is a free concert on the parkway and if you’re not interested you don’t have to go. Sure the Philadelphia lineup is pretty pathetic, but it’s FREE. I’ll see Jay-Z and Destiny’s Child for free. Maybe Beyonce will wear some of her weirdass hot pants. Maroon 5? I couldn’t name one of their songs, but for free I’ll check ‘em out. And shit, Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas was on Kids Incorporated (K- I- D- S !)I loved that show.

And stop worrying about the numbers. One million people? No way. Remember the Million Man March? It looked like a million, but it was more along the lines of half a million. It’ll be sweaty and crowded, but most summer days in Philly are sweaty and crowded. The no drive zone isn’t a bad thing- use it as an excuse to have a block party. That’s what we’re doing. We’re closing our block to traffic first thing in the morning and barbecuing all day. We’ll walk down for the acts that interest us and watch the rest on TV.

So stop complaining already. If you’re too uptight to enjoy yourself, D-Mac over at Philadelphia Will Do has created a drinking game just for you. I planned to edit for length, but it’s too damn funny in its entirety.

Take a sip if…
… Philadelphia Mayor John Street says something stupid.
… Jay-Z has more than 10 people on stage with him.
… you see someone selling water for more than $4.
… somebody yells “Fuck Bush!”
… a kid in a Dave Matthews Band shirt does something annoying.
… you see Heather Locklear.
… a band gets booed.
… a statue on the Parkway gets damaged.
… you hear someone complaining.
… somebody strikes up an “E-A-G-L-E-S, EAGLES!” chant.

Take a bigger sip if…
… something gets lit on fire.
… somebody yells “Fuck the police!”
… Jay-Z does a duet with Beyonce.
… somebody calls that one band playing the “Kaiser Chefs.”
… you see someone selling bootleg Live 8 merchandise.
… Will Smith says “Aw hell naw!”
… someone hands you a white “ONE’ wristband.
… somebody makes the “What has nine arms and sucks?” joke about Def Leppard.
… Bono comes on one of the TV screens and rambles for a few minutes.
… you see someone you think is a celebrity, but turns out not to be one.

Take a gulp if…
… John Street gets lit on fire.
… somebody yells “Free Mumia!”
… Jay-Z does a duet with Linkin Park.
… Maroon 5 mentions Pennsbury High School.
… a statue on the Parkway is destroyed.
… you smell weed.
… someone asks why they’re having this concert.
… P. Diddy has more than 20 people on stage with him.
… you see an actual celebrity other than the performers.
… Phil Collins shows up.

Finish your drink if…
… Stevie Wonder regains his vision.
… Jay-Z does a duet with Linkin Park and Beyonce.
… Michael Jackson shows up.
… The Pope shows up.
… the former members of Destiny’s Child return.
… Bruce Springsteen and Bob Dylan appear.
… people sing “We Are The World.”
… people sing “I’d Like To Buy The World A Coke.”
… Toby Keith burns the American flag.
… you figure out who Keith Urban is.

Finish all your drinks (and buy more) if…
… Michael Jackson invites children on stage with him.
… everyone takes their trash when they leave.
… the Phillies win their July 2 game.
… Rob Thomas doesn’t suck.
… everything goes off without a hitch.