The other morning my mother fixed breakfast for me and my friends. My mother’s idea of fixing breakfast is setting a beautiful table, pouring juice into wine glasses, and reheating frozen bagels in the oven. More often than not, these bagels don’t quite defrost completely so I suggested that my friends may want to toast their bagels before spreading cream cheese.
My mother, obviously offended by my suggestion, countered this by saying, “Girlfiend, you’re incompetent. I’m taking your baby.”
“What?”
“You’re incompetent. I’m going to have to take your baby.”
“Why the fuck does toasting a bagel make me incompetent. I’d think that my ability to toast a bagel that’s not all the way heated would make me capable, not incompetent. So why the hell are you threatening to take my baby?”
“I think I had the wrong C-word. Maybe I meant condescending and contemptuous.”
“Yes. Perhaps I am condescending and contemptuous, but I’m sure as hell not incompetent.”
Surprisingly, I left it at that. Without punching her in the face for threatening to kidnap my unborn child, I toasted my bagel and sat at the table where I discovered the moldy cream cheese. And she fucking calls me incomptent. At least I check for mold before I serve guests.
Anonymous | 25-Aug-05 at 12:48 pm | Permalink
My mom did the same thing, only he was already born and I had a question on what to do. She replied that if I couldn’t take care of him she was coming to get him. Hello, my first kid, never babysat at as a teen. I learned my lesson, call his Dr. for advice, not my mommy!!