girlfiend

I wrote tomes of bad adolescent poetry growing up. I dotted my ‘I’s with hearts and smiley faces, yet wrote about being a desolate place inside and how my “embers had burnt out.” At times I even dabbled in expressive prose. So I understand what it’s like to want to express yourself. I know what it feels like to have these deep, deep feelings that no one could possibly understand. I remember how good it feels to purge yourself in black and white composition books, or perhaps spiral notebooks decorated with broken hearts and arrows, with the names of your former loves scribbled over in black sharpie. However, I cannot abide reading that crap written by anyone over the age of 14. Which leads me to my point.

As much as I think the ‘next blog’ feature at the top of blogspot pages is a good idea and a fantastic time-waster, the next time I see one of those stupid heart cursors with stars shooting out of it, or click on a site that takes forever to open because of some crap ass midi file, I’ll immediately send the writer hate mail. I won’t link directly to any of these crappy sites I’m referring to, but why on earth would you post this on the internet for anyone to read:

“In a world of confusion my heart burns with a dwindling flame, fighting for survival in a fluid flood of betrayal, deception, and despair. My life goes on, knowing that devastation looms on the horizon of tomorrow with the hope that, like the many other tragedies that line the history of my past, I may survive yet another to live to fight the next.”

My friend introduced me to a game called Douche Waterfall a while back. In this game you log in to your Friendster or some similar account. They have photos of new people at the top. You choose the person who looks like the biggest douche. Generally speaking these are the people whose photos include them drinking beer out of a hat, or licking a stripper’s ass. In some cases, it’s a girl posing with her cat. Either way, you find the most ridiculous statement in their profile, copy and paste it into an email, ending with the word douche.
Here’s an example. Let’s say that the douche whose words I copied above wrote that shit on Friendster. I’d copy the last sentence and change it to read:

“My life goes on, knowing that devastation looms on the horizon of tomorrow with the hope that, like the many other tragedies that line the history of my past, I may survive yet another to live to DOUCHE”

Stupid and mean spirited, I know, yet it’s shockingly addictive. I thought you needed Friendster or MySpace or something like that to play, but I think that the “next blog” feature is just as good. Try it. It’s a blast.