girlfiend

Because it only cost $50, my mom (Jew) purchased a Christmas dinner for eight (ham) from the culinary arts teacher at her school and threw a small dinner party. I’d written a whole story about it, but now that time has passed, I think I’m better off listing some of the events that make it a typical gathering with my mom.
1. My mom threw her dinner party in her studio apartment. She lives at the shore most of the time so she has next to nothing in the apartment. She bought plates from the dollar store for the occasion and served pink martinis in a coffee press. Nothing says Cosmo like coffee grinds.

2. A few hours before the party half of her guests, a family of four, bailed. She had to scramble to find two other guests.

3. One of the last-minute guests, a guy she works with, has a tattoo of his nickname on his arm. Classy. (And I’m sorry if any of you were once drunk enough to get your own fucking name tattooed on your body, but really, it’s asinine)

4. After dinner my mom handed out a few gifts. She regifted some Bliss products my cousin gave her for Chanukah to her good friend, and gave us gifts from family friends. The Fiendling got a book. Boyfiend and I received a cake knife and server set.

5. After the gifts she served dessert. She asked me for the cake server I’d just opened. I told her no.

6. The first dessert, a yule log with meringue mushrooms, was horrible. She offered coconut custard pie as an alternative. She cut an enormous slice of pie and handed it to me. I told her it was way too big and Boyfiend offered to share it with me. He grabbed a fork and with my fingers I popped a coconut flake in my mouth.

7. I almost spit it out. “It’s salty,” I whispered. Boyfiend took a whiff of the pie and nearly gagged. “It smells bad,” he said, and passed it to my mom’s good friend who smelled it, wrinkled her nose and burst out laughing.

8.We stood around the plate giggling and my mom asked what the problem was. We told her and she said, “Oh no. I must have taken the seafood quiche out of my car instead of the coconut custard.”

9. We all gaped. The conversation went something like this:

“Wait, you have food in the trunk of your car?”

“Yes, I’m having another dinner party on Christmas Eve at the shore and I have a dinner for someone from work. I don’t have room in the fridge here.”

“But it’s 50 degrees outside, you can’t keep food in your car.”

“It’s not that warm.”

“Yes, it is, and tomorrow’s supposed to be 60. You have a seafood quiche and a ham in the trunk of your car? That’s not safe.”

“Two hams, some sides, a few pies and a quiche. It will be fine, leave me alone.”

10. I don’t think leaving a ham in the trunk of your car on a sunny day is ever fine, nor is it a particularly good idea.

11. Leaving eggs and seafood in the hot trunk of one’s car is even worse than leaving a ham.

12. Before we left my mother encouraged me to purchase a meal from the culinary arts teacher for Easter. I declined.

13. Upon arriving home Boyfiend and I both felt ill. In time we realized that it was the idea of the food, not the food itself, that was the culprit.