Vote or Die

Every day on my drive home I pass a giant Vote or Die billboard. I hate Vote or Die. The billboard has Paris Hilton, Mary J. Blige and Ellen DeGeneres ordering me to vote or be executed. I’mglad that Paris Hilton has something to say about politics. I’ve always valued her opinion, especially when she’s naked.

Every day this week I’ve gotten at least 3 prerecorded phone calls telling me who to vote for. Ed Rendell, the man who had a hoagie named after him, has called my house 3 times in the past 2 weeks. In addition to the recordings, real people call me and ask me who I’m voting for. I’ve had to begin screening my calls. Strangers knock on my door either asking who I’m voting for or telling me who to vote for. The candidate flyers piled on my kitchen table have convinced me of the importance of recycling.

I am not political by nature. I believe I’ve mentioned that I vote mainly on the basis of women’s reproductive rights. On Tuesday I plan to vote for Kerry even though he’s a giant douche. It’s really not much better than voting for Bush, the turd sandwich. If you haven’t seen Wednesday’s South Park, I highly recommend it. They feel the same way I do, but they’re much, much funnier.