The housewife’s lament
Last night someone twittered something about how it was Sunday night already and I was truly taken aback because I didn’t even realize it was Sunday. I could have sworn it was just any other week night. Now it’s Monday and it doesn’t really feel like Monday as much as it feels like Tuesday, Wednesday, or Thursday. It doesn’t feel like a Friday though. Fridays feel a little more hopeful, like there is some room to breathe. But it’s Monday, and it doesn’t feel like a Monday because another weekend went by where I just didn’t get a break.
I spent Saturday at the neighborhood clean-up with both of the boys, picking trash up off of the sidewalks, pulling weeds and sweeping up debris, while B did the neighborhood clean up at the park working on the garden 100% child-free. Sunday was spent at home with the boys while B was out in the driveway working on his boat until he left for the lake to put his boat in the water. Another weekend where I’m solely in charge of childcare. If mothering is my full time job why don’t I get a break on the weekend? Why didn’t I participate in the neighborhood clean up without a stroller and three-year-old to manage?
To be fair to Boyfiend, I got an hour to go to the gym on Friday. And he gave me a little break around 7 last night when he gave the boys a bath and put the Fiendling to bed. He also let me sleep in yesterday, after I begged him to the night before. But in the grand scheme of things, an extra hour and a half of sleep and a night off of putting the 3 year old to bed isn’t much of break.
It’s not just this past weekend, it feels like all the time. I’m not blaming B. He’s not off in Atlantic City with whores and cocaine. Most of the time he’s working on things around the house. He has been up early several weekend mornings to procure free firewood for next winter and spent an entire weekend splitting the logs. Even if he’s off doing things for himself, like this weekend with the boat, and bike rides with his brother I don’t begrudge him the time. He should have time to enjoy himself unencumbered. But where’s my time?
The problem is that I don’t know how to carve it out for myself anymore. I feel so completely shut off from my friends who don’t have children, and none of my friends from before I had kids have children. None of them. Most of them don’t even call me anymore. I ran into Junkiegirl twice over the past week and we talked more on the street in front of the laundromat than we’ve talked in the past six months. I don’t think it even occurs to her to ever call me to hang out because I haven’t been able to for so long.
My new friends, the ones who have children, spend weekends with their husbands and kids together. And I call them friends, but when I think about it have I ever actually spent any substantial time with them without our kids involved? Of all of the women I spend time with, I don’t even know that we’d be friends if we didn’t have kids. What common interests do we have? What shared experiences? Aside from my book club and the occasional “girl’s night out,” (and my god, I hate that it’s called a fucking girl’s night out when someone organizes it. I find the description to be trite and mildly offensive) I don’t know any of them.
When I have a few hours to myself on the weekend I spend it the only way I know how- at the gym or at the supermarket. It’s pathetic. B suggested I take a day and do something, but what? With whom? Where am I supposed to go and what am I supposed to do? What did I even do before? I want time to myself, but I don’t want to spend it all by myself.
Anyway, it’s Monday. I’ve got another five days without a break in front of me. I have to go fish a used tissue out of the baby’s hand.
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May 18th, 2009 at 8:13 am
I haven’t commented before, but just wanted to say I’m sorry. That really sucks. Maybe you could try setting something up with friend(s) from before you had kids for your day off? I just had my first baby 6 weeks ago, so I’m not one of the carefree childless folk anymore, but I know it often seemed like my friends who had kids just disappeared. And often I wouldn’t call them to try to make plans, thinking they probably wouldn’t want to take precious time away from their husband and kiddos to spend time with me. Or else I would inevitably think of calling them at the last minute (say, in the afternoon for an evening out) and then realize that they would need more notice than that! Just my two cents. Hope things get better for you.
May 18th, 2009 at 8:20 am
Aaagh, I sympathize. I’m still learning to ask for the time I need without feeling guilty for it. It sucks that we women often feel we have to “ask” for time to ourselves while men can so often just take it.
May 18th, 2009 at 8:37 am
you can always come to my house on Wednesdays. It’s like a refuge from life, I promise. And the kids can come if you can’t get away, but they can play in the living room or yard while we girls hang out in the dining room.
This isn’t a courtesy invite, you truly are welcome. I can give you my address any time you want it.
May 18th, 2009 at 9:23 am
My best friend from childhood stayed home with two kids before I had mine. She told me early on that she does not take care of two children by herself on the weekends. EVER. I’ve kind of adopted that attitude myself. It’s not a hard and fast rule at our house. My husband does get out of the house more than I do on the weekends. Usually he takes one of them with him, though, so that I can get at least a little break. I did learn, though, that if I don’t adopt an attitude of entitlement, I won’t get any break. He is so used to walking out the door unencumbered. And even if he’s doing things for the family like shopping he thinks he should go alone because it’ll be faster and easier. Hell, yeah it’s easier. Try it with two like I do while you’re at work, buddy. I don’t begrudge him his own time when he needs it, but we have to schedule it evenly. Mostly.
So, call your friends from before you had kids. Schedule something in advance so boyfiend knows when he’ll be in charge. Try to take care of yourself so you can take care of others even better.
May 18th, 2009 at 3:49 pm
A-freaking-men. Ha, friends? If it wasn’t for this glowing box, I would have no communication. I work at home, so at least I’m communicating, but they are colleague, not compadres. Know when I’m starting to carve my own time out? 5 am. At the gym. Only time in the day its going to happen.
May 18th, 2009 at 4:27 pm
Still working on that one myself. If being at home is my work, that don’t I deserve some down time too? I understand the need to decompress after work, but when does that happen? Cooking dinner while he plays with the toddler? Still work. I often wonder (aloud) if I was teaching right now, would I still be the one picking up all the slack? My guess is “yes.”
We are getting better though, and I agree that I have to be the one to carve out the time and stick with it. But it’s much to easy to just let it slide.
May 18th, 2009 at 8:14 pm
I understand, I feel the same way. I have talked to my husband so many times about this, but I think that he is finally getting it. On weekends he helps with the kids as much as he can and if he has to go to the store he’ll take one but there has been times that he has taken both.
This weekend we were had friends over(actually my husbands co workers, which have no kids). We ate, talked, joked, and we did not mention the kids, which was a big plus. That day the kids did not take a nap on purpose, so that they could sleep while we had our adult time.
May 18th, 2009 at 8:28 pm
It’s not much but I finally got a sitter one morning a week. It’s just three hours but I wait for those 3 hours ALL week long. Sometimes I don’t even know what to do with myself, but it’s time alone. It’s helped a lot.
May 18th, 2009 at 11:29 pm
I have not had enough time in weeks to blog. My kingdom for 2 hours alone.
I really understand.
My sitter time once a week in the AM is always used up sleeping after getting off of work at 4am.
Friends……what friends
May 19th, 2009 at 1:59 pm
I feel for you not getting any time to yourself. You deserve some time for you that doesn’t involve Shop Rite.
On the friend issue I’d just like to say that all of the people I’ve become friends with since we moved here (4 years ago) have kids. And most of our shared experiences involve our children in some way or another. But that’s not to say that I don’t consider them friends. I miss the days when I had few responsibilities and the things I did with my friends were more fun and focused on our own interests (versus the kids’ interests), but having children the same age is something I have in common with you. And it’s a part of our friendship, a big part, but just a part, I hope. I don’t know if we’d be friends if it weren’t for our kids and the experiences we’ve had with them, but I consider you my friend and I’m glad that you are.
An afterthought: Now that Pancake is here I’ve been thinking a lot about when BD was her age and how we used to take four-hour walks along the Wissahickon Creek and push our babies up the incredibly steep hill from Main Street. We talked and talked for such long periods. Those days are no longer, but they were nice while they lasted.
May 25th, 2009 at 9:43 pm
I totally get it and am in the same boat myself. B works 6 days a week and on Sunday we all have to chip in and clean the house again. (As if I hadn’t already done it the prior six days) But kids are messy. People, mostly men will try to find solutions for you because that’s what they think you want. You know there isn’t much of a solution, but I sympathise and know what you are going through. I’m kind of at a point where I seriously feel as though I may have to book myself into an asylum to get some time out. I fear the kids getting ill to the point that if they complain of a tummy ache, I’m straight for the loo being ill myself. B doesn’t understand this anxiety, and probably never will. The only solution I can see is for us to pack ourselves up and go on a month long holiday somewhere by ourselves. No children permitted.
May 4th, 2010 at 10:07 am
Wow! Fine article. Looks good to me. Thank you for helping to bring awareness to this issue. Kylee