Asshole
Some (asshole) commenter, joe, wrote that he(she?) was just reading to see how many times I call my kid an asshole. This got me thinking. Is it wrong to express my frustration with my child by calling him an asshole? Should I instead smile sweetly on the internet and use words that aren’t quite so insulting? Out of curiosity, just to see how bad of a mother I am, I did a search for the word on my blog. In the past year (I looked, but there was no incidence of the word asshole when referring to my child before 1/09) I’ve directly called him an asshole two times. I did describe three-year-olds as assholes, so I’ll take a hit and say three times. And I almost entitled a post Asshole when F was potty training and refused to pee in the potty, but I reconsidered and did not. But I’ll count that and say four. Four times too many?
Right now F is clearly going through a rough time emotionally. I would like to be sympathetic, but it’s difficult when he spends the majority of his awake time arguing with me. When he is visibly sad or upset it’s easier to be understanding. But when he’s screaming at me, raising his hand as though to hit me, yelling no at everything I say, hitting his brother, stealing his brother’s toys, peeing on the rug just to spite me, running away from me so that I have to chase him in public places, stomping and screaming, I just want to throttle him, not hold or comfort him. I have not throttled him yet. In my own delicate emotional state I think I should get a medal for that.
So what other words besides asshole can I use? Lets see. He is generally sweet to everyone else, but with the people who live in this house, the people who love him most of all, he is emotional, volatile, argumentative, stubborn, miserable, cranky, fussy, mean, cruel, violent, temperamental, grouchy, grumpy, irrational, illogical, defiant. That’s all I can up with without consulting a thesaurus. Perhaps if other descriptors or adjectives come to mind I’ll update the list. But until then, when I’m frustrated I think it may be easier just to use the word asshole. Unfortunately, if you’re keeping count at home, I don’t think you’ll read it enough to make it a drinking game.
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January 22nd, 2010 at 4:16 pm
Personally, I love when you call him that because it’s what I’m thinking in my head all day and it makes me feel better about myself. I wonder if your commenter has ever lived with and/or trained in any way a 3-4 year old boy. I’d like to request that you use the word more often for my personal amusement. It makes you funny and snarky, instead of beaten.
January 22nd, 2010 at 7:00 pm
I don’t think there is anything wrong with that. I also feel the same way about my 4 year old. When I read your blog it is almost as if you have been in my house. If i wrote in my blog everyday about what goes on I think I would actually use way more than 4 times.
January 22nd, 2010 at 8:35 pm
If calling your kid an asshole is a crime, then I’d be on death row.
January 22nd, 2010 at 9:22 pm
My 3 year old is occasionally kind of an asshole and my 20 month old is on occasion, also an asshole. Assholes! TWO of them! TWO asshole kids in my house.
Joe. What an asshole.
January 22nd, 2010 at 10:20 pm
so your honest? eh big deal who doesnt think their kids are assholes at some point?
January 23rd, 2010 at 12:09 pm
Is he in preschool? I can’t remember. Has he been screened by anyone? Yes, the majority of three year olds can be assholes, and I endorse the use of the term, but I worry about the amount of stress that everyone in your house must be under. If he was in a classroom and treating me the way he treats you, I’d pass him over to the other teacher, but you don’t have that option. There is clearly something going on that is pushing his buttons, and in turn he pushes yours, which gets a cycle going that just drives everyone nuts.
Is there anyone who could help you out, at least for a while? When F is acting out at you with physical and verbal abuse, it would help to have someone else to watch him, even just in another area of the house, with the expectation of, “You can’t be with Mommy until you can touch her and talk to her without being hurtful.” The longer he gets to keep treating you this way, the worse it will get, and the harder it will be to break the habit.
I’ve worked with kids that had behavior like F’s, and it is extremely hard to deal with. I would cry at work and at home, and the kids weren’t even mine. I strongly suggest that you reach out for help somewhere. If he’s in preschool, ask for help or a referral, or ask your pediatrician. Even good mothers need help some times.
In the meantime, if calling him an asshole on the internet keeps you from throttling him, by all means, call him an asshole as much as you want.
January 23rd, 2010 at 5:07 pm
Iris, he’s not emotionally disturbed. I have worked with plenty of fucked up kids and mine is just an asshole (5!). He’s not any worse than other kids his age in theory, he’s just the one I deal wit. I see plenty of his peers do the same shit with their parents and/or siblings, but they are not my kids so it doesn’t bother me.
From the Ames and Ilg book about three year olds, titled “Your Three Year Old: Friend or Enemy”:
If at all possible, enlist the services of a good babysitter for as much of the time as possible.
January 25th, 2010 at 1:01 pm
It’s a universally recognized truth that 3-year-olds are, indeed, assholes. Terrible twos? Ha! It’s the threes that are horrible, and the fours ain’t that great either.
You aren’t a horrible mother for saying he’s an asshole. Now if you scream it in his face (which I am quite sure you don’t), that’s a different story.
January 25th, 2010 at 9:30 pm
I can’t recommend the book “raising your spirited child” enough. For any parent, really. It has an entire chapter dedicated to alternative labels. My personal favorite: little shit = future leader. I like it because I can calmly call him that to his face and get some inner satisfaction. “Wow, dear. You are being quite the future leader about eating dinner today.”
January 26th, 2010 at 9:33 am
Girlfiend, you rule. Always have, always will.
Hi Katie! Was so happy to find you here!
January 26th, 2010 at 9:35 am
When he’s engaged in all that behavior that you have described, have you ever thought about just whalopping him one on his ass??? It worked for thousands of years. As long as you don’t hit him too hard, they usually learn what’s appropriate and what’s not.
All these friggin namby pamby’s against an ocasional spanking get what they deserve when their kids are grown and have never beeen disciplined in their life for anything.
January 27th, 2010 at 8:39 am
What utter rubbish this self-serving post is. Whether or not one thinks one’s kid is an asshole, saying it, even in a blog post, without a sense of inappropriateness and, may I say, shame, is appalling and makes me wonder exactly what kind of parent you are. Do you really think that these feelings will never be felt by your child? Do you really think your actions are not colored by your inner attitude? And of course (s)he is very likely to read these posts some time. I sense a Mommy dearest memoir 20 years from now.
This is said as the parent of a quite obstreperous, very argumentative kid with whom I’ve had plenty of dissension over the years, and whom I’ve called a ‘jerk’ and other epithets in moments of extreme frustration. The difference is that I’ve felt profoundly ashamed at my lack of control, have apologized (and explained) to him and would never write so cavalierly and unapologetically about it.
While not advocating it, spanking, at least, would be more direct and probably productive!
January 27th, 2010 at 9:46 am
that spirited child book is supposed to be amazing. we recommend it at work all the time.
And I’m reading because I want to see how many times you call him an asshole too. Just to make sure you are on par with me.
Love to you and the asshole, from me and my asshole.
January 28th, 2010 at 2:04 pm
[...] was over at girlfiends blog the other day, and someone had left a comment stating that they only came back to see how many [...]
January 28th, 2010 at 3:21 pm
Husband and my special nickname for the youngest son was LP-little prick. i’d like to say he grew out of it, but he didn’t. At 17,. 6′2′, he’s still referred to as LP.
January 30th, 2010 at 3:17 am
I have 27 month old twins.
Two of them.
They are the joy of my life. My sweet happiness, my hearts, my loves, my triumphs.
Also, seriously, lately they are assholes extraordinaire.
Love them dearly. I never call them anything negative to them or around them, not ever. But do I think it? Yes. Do I write the word on my blog? Yes. And I think it’s only human, because those people who go around saying that our children are the foundation of heart-shaped rainbow unicorns aren’t facing reality.
They’re aging me on a minute-by-minute basis.
February 3rd, 2010 at 9:25 am
I found my way over here via Shannon, but just had to chime in my support. My kids are 11 and 8, and can be assholes. Major assholes.
It only makes sense that the people we love the most are also the ones who can get under our skins the most. And they are real people-real people who can piss us off.
We love our kids unconditionally, bottom line- but they can still be assholes, and most likely will be at some point in time.