girlfiend

I’m in some sort of funk or slump or something. I’m not depressed, I’m just particularly engaged in or enthusiastic about much these. I keep starting projects and not finishing them. I have no motivation to cook. The cleaning can’t get done because of the clutter. The children are taken care of, well taken care of, but it’s sucking everything out of me. I mean how many times can I start the wash and forget to add the clothes?

I need something to be enthusiastic about. Something to keep me interested. My kids are fabulous, and I’m so proud that F taught himself how to ride a bike and that he likes to read the same Beverly Cleary books that I read as a kid. I love that T can fly down hills on his balance bike (he is so ready for pedals) and loves to build elaborate structures before knocking them down. Miss N is so much fun- she talks and nods and responds and sings and follows directions and is so wonderfully pleasant and happy that I don’t even resent her for the nights she wakes up at 1 and won’t go back to sleep until 5.30. But the kids aren’t enough. The tantrums and fights and neediness and clinginess tend to offset the good. I’m in a slump.

I made a promise to myself that I wouldn’t wear my sweats all day and that I’d try to wear makeup every day. I’m about 50% with the makeup, but I’m doing pretty well with at least changing into jeans. Maybe putting in an effort will help?

I took the children to story hour and left them to wander while I picked out a few new books for me. I dragged the two kids to Target for groceries and cat litter in the rain and surprisingly the rain slacked when I loaded the stuff in the car and drove the kids home. T fell asleep in the car on the drive home before eating lunch, but since it is my birthday he did not wake up when I transferred him to his crib and slept for close to three hours. While he napped I did not cook anything, fold any laundry, clean anything, or engage in any other domestic activity other than basic care and feeding of the child who no longer naps. Instead I watched two episodes of Weeds Season 3 on Netflix. My dad stopped by with a card and a check and T woke up in a good mood. Right now the boys are sharing water from a not especially clean sippy cup and watching Caillou on the laptop and Thomas on the TV. Because it is my birthday I am ignoring the fact that there are two irritating children’s shows on at the same time. When B gets home we are going to order Thai takeout. If I am lucky he will surprise me with cake, but if he does not I have some chocolate beet muffins that just need a bit of frosting to be perfectly good cupcakes.

After a spectacular weekend where we celebrated 5 years of marriage and got the garden ready for planting it is a gray rainy day. I am pregnant for the third time in five years and even though I don’t like being pregnant I am starting to be a little bit excited about the baby who could, theoretically, be born in a month. We painted our bedroom, the dresser I bought at a yard sale close to a year ago is finally painted and I bought some cute polka dotted shelf paper to line the drawers. It’s not the best birthday ever, but it’s not too bad either.

I haven’t done one of these in a few years.

1. What did you do in 2009 that you’d never done before?

I unintentionally got pregnant

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I’m not a resolution maker and I don’t know that I’ll start now, but there are ideas I’m tossing around.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

My friend Ellen, Doodlebug, my sister-in-law

4. Did anyone close to you die?

I think 2009 was funeral free for us, but my internet friend lost her mother.

5. What countries did you visit?

Ha. We made it as far as New Hampshire.

6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?

More patience with my (asshole) 3 (soon to be 4) year old.

7. What dates from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

I blocked out the exact date, but in early September I walked my kids over to the Rite Aid, perused the selection for the cheapest 2 pack, brought home and took the positive pregnancy test

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

I’m not sure. I completed a sewing class and a pair of pajamas for F. I started and completed several complicated sewing projects. I read more books than I’ve read the previous 3 or 4 years. I actually completed the  number of gym visits I needed to get my reimbursement from insurance for the first time since F was born.  I got very good at couponing and managing our food budget. I’m managing my own time better, which I should give myself credit for.

9. What was your biggest failure?

I wish I’d been a better mother at times. I’m not proud of the way I react to F sometimes. I know it’s just a stage, and underneath he’s still the sweetest kid, but my god, I want to fucking kill him sometimes.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Nothing major, but my asthma was pretty bad the past few months. The last lung function test I took put me at 60% capacity.  I had a freak intestinal infection over the summer that landed me in the ER, the antibiotic combination made me puke for months, then ooops! I found out maybe some of that puking was related to my surprise pregnancy.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

I love the desk I bought at a flea market. Also, our giant, gas guzzling 8 seater car is pretty sweet too. And the oven that doesn’t lock by itself is a winner. And the toilet that doesn’t run for hours is lovely. I’m also pretty fond of the new roof that doesn’t leak. There was a very cute shirt from the Gap too.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

My husband is fantastic.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

Mine. The Fiendling’s. Mine in reaction to the Fiendling. Family members I am not allowed to write about.

14. Where did most of your money go?

Bills. Lots and lots of bills. Financially, 2009 was a rough year until we got our tax return and it wasn’t any more.

15. What did you get really excited about?

My kids have finally started playing together. It is a beautiful thing when it doesn’t result in screaming within the first 5 minutes.

16. What song will always remind you of 2009?

Loving You as sung by John Stamos’s brother on South Park.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

– happier or sadder? Happier, sadder, somewhere in between. Happier now than I was earlier in the year.
– thinner or fatter? More pregnant.
– richer or poorer? Richer. Last year this was a very tough time for us.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

I wish I’d spent more time with my friends.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

I wish I’d spent less time feeling irritated and/or angry

20. How did you spend Christmas?

We spent Christmas Eve at home, a tradition I hope to keep. My parents came over Christmas morning to watch the kids open presents then we went to my sister-in-law’s for dinner.

21. Did you fall in love in 2009?
Not really.

22. What was your favorite TV program?

Everything I watch is on Netflix or Hulu. I loved Friday Night Lights, Battlestar Galactica, Mad Men and LOST.

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

No, but I’ve unfortunately been unable to let go of some grudges.

24. What was the best book you read?

I LOVED A Homemade Life by Molly Wizenberg,  and really liked The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society by Mary Ann Shaffer, and Olive Kitteredge by Elizabeth Strout.

I5. What was your greatest musical discovery?

I’m too old to discover anything. I’m stuck in a musical rut.

26. What did you want and get?

An ice cream maker, a big cast  iron pan, better rolling pin, sewing lessons, and I can now bake a successful loaf of bread just about every time.

27. What did you want and not get?

A live in nanny.

28. What was your favorite film of this year?

We watch a lot of TV and not too many movies. I liked Julie and Julia (hated the book about the blog, liked Julia Child’s book) which I just watched the other night when B was out. Food, Inc. made me feel pretty smug about our eating habits.

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

B threw me a belated 30th birthday party the night before I turned 31.

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

I wish I’d had it in me to write more.

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009?

I rediscovered the Gap this summer, since I finally felt thin enough to shop somewhere other than Old Navy, but now I’m pregnant again. I’m just wearing the same damn maternity clothes and sneakers I’ve been wearing since I got pregnant in 2005.  And the giant wool sweaters I’ve had since college. Can’t forget those.

32. What kept you sane?

My husband, my (internet, mostly)friends, my asthma inhalers.

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Tim Riggins from Friday Night Lights.

34. What political issue stirred you the most?

Issues? My friend from the playground summed it up pretty nicely here.  Add pregnancy to the mix and I’m utterly useless in adult conversation

35. Who did you miss?

My friends. I went for months without seeing friends who live a few blocks away.

36. Who was the best new person you met?

I don’t know if I’ve met anyone new this year aside from reading a few new blogs.

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009.

Life lessons? Ummm.  If you’re learning to bake bread  start with white bread. Don’t forget to put the presser foot down on the sewing machine.

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

Drawing a blank.  The only lyric that comes to mind is, “My mommy doesn’t lick me. Even when I’m sticky.”

Last night someone twittered something about how it was Sunday night already and I was truly taken aback because I didn’t even realize it was Sunday. I could have sworn it was just any other week night. Now it’s Monday and it doesn’t really feel like Monday as much as it feels like Tuesday, Wednesday, or Thursday. It doesn’t feel like a Friday though. Fridays feel a little more hopeful, like there is some room to breathe. But it’s Monday, and it doesn’t feel like a Monday because another weekend went by where I just didn’t get a break.

I spent Saturday at the neighborhood clean-up with both of the boys, picking trash up off of the sidewalks, pulling weeds and sweeping up debris, while B did the neighborhood clean up at the park working on the garden 100% child-free. Sunday was spent at home with the boys while B was out in the driveway working on his boat until he left for the lake to put his boat in the water. Another weekend where I’m solely in charge of childcare. If mothering is my full time job why don’t I get a break on the weekend? Why didn’t I participate in the neighborhood clean up without a stroller and three-year-old to manage?

To be fair to Boyfiend, I got an hour to go to the gym on Friday. And he gave me a little break around 7 last night when he gave the boys a bath and put the Fiendling to bed. He also let me sleep in yesterday, after I begged him to the night before. But in the grand scheme of things, an extra hour and a half of sleep and a night off of putting the 3 year old to bed isn’t much of break.

It’s not just this past weekend, it feels like all the time. I’m not blaming B. He’s not off in Atlantic City with whores and cocaine. Most of the time he’s working on things around the house. He has been up early several weekend mornings to procure free firewood for next winter and spent an entire weekend splitting the logs. Even if he’s off doing things for himself, like this weekend with the boat, and bike rides with his brother I don’t begrudge him the time. He should have time to enjoy himself unencumbered. But where’s my time?

The problem is that I don’t know how to carve it out for myself anymore. I feel so completely shut off from my friends who don’t have children, and none of my friends from before I had kids have children. None of them. Most of them don’t even call me anymore. I ran into Junkiegirl twice over the past week and we talked more on the street in front of the laundromat than we’ve talked in the past six months. I don’t think it even occurs to her to ever call me to hang out because I haven’t been able to for so long.

My new friends, the ones who have children, spend weekends with their husbands and kids together. And I call them friends, but when I think about it have I ever actually spent any substantial time with them without our kids involved? Of all of the women I spend time with, I don’t even know that we’d be friends if we didn’t have kids. What common interests do we have? What shared experiences? Aside from my book club and the occasional “girl’s night out,” (and my god, I hate that it’s called a fucking girl’s night out when someone organizes it. I find the description to be trite and mildly offensive) I don’t know any of them.

When I have a few hours to myself on the weekend I spend it the only way I know how- at the gym or at the supermarket. It’s pathetic. B suggested I take a day and do something, but what? With whom? Where am I supposed to go and what am I supposed to do? What did I even do before? I want time to myself, but I don’t want to spend it all by myself.

Anyway, it’s Monday. I’ve got another five days without a break in front of me. I have to go fish a used tissue out of the baby’s hand.

There’s a 25 things meme going around Facebook. It’s funny to see how people who don’t have or read blogs are so impressed by the novelty, while the bloggers all roll their eyes and dig up shit from their 100 things list. Anyway, I posted a list and in retrospect I posted several things I’d like to replace with more important things. Because I’m a dork.

So here are a few more things.

26. I’ve been nursing and/or pregnant for 42 months

27. My almost 3 year old, who spent most of the last year and a half sleeping by himself, has spent the last several months sleeping in my bed, sneaking in sometime after midnight. Some nights I don’t even know he’s there until morning.

28. My 8 month old never sleeps in our bed. He doesn’t even sleep well in our room.

29. I think that my preschool decsion will simply be the place that costs the least amount of money. I feel sort of guilty about it, but in the long run it makes the most sense. $12,650 is just an insane amount of money to spend on a year of nursery school. Half that is an insane amount of money to spend on preschool.

30. The preschool decision is actually the first time I’ve really been plagued by mommy guilt. Aside from this I’ve been surprising comfortable with all of the decisions that I’ve made.

31. I am a good mother. Better than I ever expected.

I feel like this blog has been all kids all the time for the past few months.  I really do things and think about things that aren’t child related. Really. I swear. So why then, when I want to write about something that’s not a monthly update (and holy shit the baby is five months old tomorrow) do I draw a blank?

What have I been doing?

I’ve made it back to the gym for real. The Fiendling and the baby have both been great in the babysitting room so I’ve been taking advantage of it three days a week. It’s like free babysitting for the low, low price of $56 a month. And I can take an uninterrupted shower.

I’ve also gone back to yoga. I’m stunned by how easily my body remembers how to do the asanas. It’s easier than riding a bike. I’ve been going to a yoga class on Thursday nights. I like the class but I hate that the instructor makes all share something at the beginning before the opening meditation. When Isaac first got diagnosed I wanted to keep it to myself but I ended up spilling it all over the place and sobbing. She did a lot of heart opening asanas that night and when I left I felt better. The following week I shared that Isaac had died and cried some more. During the opening meditation the instructor rubbed my back and shoulders. It was nice. Then during final relaxation she put her hands on my back. I felt warmth then a release. Tears streamed down my face but I wasn’t crying like I had been. I realized at some point that she was doing (is that the verb?) Reiki and holy shit that works. I’ve felt better about Isaac since then.

I’ve  spent a decent amount of time on the Facebook. It’s fun catching up with old friends especially when you don’t know who the hell half of them are. My best friend from high school and I keep messaging each other trying to figure out who the fuck half of these people are and why they think we were ever friends with them. It sure does make me feel popular though.

There’s more. Perhaps one of these days I’ll get around to actually writing about instead of thinking about writing about it.

After the Fiendling was born I could not lose the weight. I was puffy and bloated forever and despite my careful attention to diet and exercise I couldn’t fit into my pre-pregnancy pants for 9 months. Three weeks after the birth of number 2 I’m small again. I’m not pre-pregnancy size and I don’t plan on trying on my jeans for a few more months, but I’m not puffy or bloated. I’m surprised when I look in the mirror by how much I look like myself. I don’t know what happened and I’m not complaining. This is a gift.

Remember how I said I wasn’t going to diet*?

The next day I stepped on the scale and learned that the 5-6 pounds I gained was more like 8. It really snuck up on me. Considering I still work out 3 days a week and eat pretty well, I couldn’t figure out where it came from. Then I remembered. Like many mothers before me I’ve fallen into the trap of eating what the baby doesn’t. Sort of. I don’t finish what’s on his plate or anything, but I tend to eat what he eats for lunch and Cheddar Bunnies and various types of cheesy rice and pasta aren’t the lowest calorie foods.

I think the few bites of his meals in addition to the regularly scheduled meals have really caught up with me. My metabolism isn’t what it used to be and even though I’m still working out I’m not working out with the intensity I once did. I used to work out for two hours at a time. I was lifting 3 days, doing yoga 3 days and doing cardio 5 days a week. Now I’m lucky if I lift 3 days and fit in cardio 2 days. I went to yoga for the first time since early May yesterday.

But I’m still not going to diet. On Saturday I decided to document everything I ate. Because I was writing it down (and I wrote down the three bites of black cherry water ice) I was conscious of what went into my mouth. Instead of eating every bite the Fiendling tried to feed me, and he loves feeding other people, I said “no thanks” and kept my mouth shut. Instead of the usual bagel for breakfast I made a fruit smoothie. Instead of goat cheese and crackers for lunch I ate homemade hummus and beet greens with sauteed garlic scapes on whole wheat pita. I ate a bunch of fresh fruit and a few crackers with peanut butter for snacks. For dinner I ate most of a tofu, rice and cheese stuffed pepper with a side of swiss chard.

I stopped writing stuff down after lunch yesterday, but I’m still paying close attention to what I eat. Since I weighed myself on Friday morning I’ve lost 2 pounds. I’d like to lose a few more so my too-small shorts will button over my gut again. It will be interesting to see if I lose any more by next week when I weigh myself again.

*In that post I referenced maternity fashion. Today at Old Navy almost every fucking mannequin looked pregnant. This hoodie looks just like every maternity shirt I bought from Old Navy. And the trapeze shirt? It appears to nip in at the waist in the photo on the website, but the model in the picture in the store looked like she was wearing a tent. It’s wrong, I tell you. Though perhaps not as wrong as the maternity-like dress with a balloon sleeve.

I feel sort of pathetic for being so obsessed with this, but I’m at my mom’s shore house and shore means bathing suit so it’s on my mind.

After the great stomach flu incidents I’ve gained back some of the weight I lost. Not a lot. Just 5 or 6 pounds. But those pounds mean that two pairs of shorts don’t fit comfortably and I have a rule that I absolutely refuse to even attempt to wear something that doesn’t fit comfortably. So for shorts I’m down to two pairs I bought from Target on a whim (that fit okay, but not well by any stretch of the imagination) and last year’s way too big post-pregnancy shorts. I have one casual, flowy (yet totally see through) skirt, one long linen way-too wrinkly skirt, and a denim skirt that’s not flattering so I won’t wear it any more. I have one pair of denim capris that are way too hot, but I wear them almost every day and one pair of khaki stretch capris from Old Navy that still fit, but are super-low rise so I only wear them when a shirt of the appropriate length is clean. And almost none of my shirts are long enough. All of the pre-pregnancy stuff is still way too small on top and I’m beginning to think I just wore a lot of belly shirts because my belly was once toned and flat. Now? It’s not toned and flat enough for me to be okay with belly shirts. I have three new t-shirts of appropriate lengths, a couple of nicer t-shirts to wear out, and four long tank tops.

Now that I’ve listed it it’s not a terrible selection, but it’s tough to go to playgroup once a week and think, oh shit, I wore this exact outfit last week.

And the extra weight? I’ve decided not to lose. I thought about it and even stopped eating carbs after noon one day. But then I figured that I may try to get pregnant again at some point and what’s the point of suffering when I’m still nursing? So I’m not buying any new clothes. And I’m not dieting. And let’s hope I do decide to get pregnant soon because tell me internet, what’s up with the maternity clothes? Seriously. The fashion, yes, I said fashion, is maternity. I went to a college graduation party and I was very worried that EVERY WOMAN THERE was pregnant until I realized that they were all just wearing shirts or dresses with empire waists. Look at this. And this. And this. Because, really, they all look like they could be maternity clothes and that’s not right, because when I was pregnant I would have killed for cute, regular, non-maternity clothes that were forgiving enough to be warn as maternity. So if you’re pregnant, you’re really lucky. And if you’re not, wear something that doesn’t make people wonder if that’s a bump you’re hiding.

I’ve been tagged by Fraulein N. I feel like I constantly repeat myself when I do these things but I’ll do it anyway. These are the rules:

Each player starts with eight random facts/habits about themselves.
People who are tagged need to write their own blog about their eight things and post these rules.
At the end of your blog, you need to choose eight people to get tagged and list their names.
Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’re tagged, and to read your blog.

1. I suck at folding laundry and often leave it to wrinkle in the basket after it’s washed and dried
2. Yesterday I began using my google calendar in earnest since it’s spring and all of a sudden not only are we invited places again, there are a few days where we have more than one commitment.
3. Even though I can be obsessive about cleaning I still haven’t touched the cat puke on the windowsill that’s been there since Tuesday.
4. Remember the bronchitis that I’ve had on and off since July and haven’t written about in a while? Mostly gone. I finally went to a decent doctor and got put on about a gazillion different medications and I haven’t woken up coughing in almost a week.
5. But the medications have had nasty side effects- splitting headaches, abdominal cramps, dizziness, and sunburn. I’ve been walking around in my beach hat for the past three days.
6. I was going to add the book I finished the other night to my 50 books page only I couldn’t remember the name and rather than go into the bedroom and look at the title I’ve been searching on Amazon for the past 5 minutes trying to figure it out based on the search phrase “literacy los angeles”
7. I just successfully googled it on my first try- Literacy and Longing in L.A.
8. Watching Ugly Betty I just had a craving for empanadas. The frozen Goya kind.

I don’t usually tag people because I almost never get tagged so I’ll throw caution to the wind and tag Mix because I always tag him when I get tagged, Madgirl because I forgot to tell her I wouldn’t make it to knitting on Monday and I hope she wasn’t there by herself, Doodlebug because her lists are always interesting, Chris Lehmann because I have a feeling he doesn’t get tagged for too many silly memes, Lawmummy because she has too much spare time, Natasha because she really made me want a thai ice coffee the other day, MV because she had her little girl Gabriela and I want to say congratulations and what better way to congratulate someone than to tag them for a meme. And I’ll tag Liz because Owen’s a cutie.

(I’m skipping the rule about leaving comments so if you were tagged and didn’t get a comment from me it’s because I have no regard for the rules.)