girlfiend

on a scale of 1 to 10 how done with me are you? “you’re a wonderful person” sounds like you’re not even considering staying in a relationship with me. i can be a better girlfriend. i’ll tell you how cute i think you are when i get out of bed and you slide over to the spot i’ve just vacated. i’ll let you look at my ass any time you want without feeling insecure because i know that you love me. you do right? you do still love me don’t you? how do you go from wanting to have babies with me to not even wanting to talk to me. how much time do you need. i’m a fucking wreck. i can’t eat, i shake all the time at least 4 unsuspecting people have been subjected to tearful outbursts when they simply ask “how are you?” i was terrified that when i came home all of your stuff would be gone. i looked in your closets and you just took a duffle bag
and fucking mandy said she’d come over only she’s on a fucking date. what the hell is up with that? aren’t friends supposed to fucking mean something?
it kills me that you don’t want to talk to me. i think about you constantly. i was fucking crying during relaxation in yoga and all i could think of was rachel in front of me and how chris left her. i wonder if she had a say in the matter. i imagine she didn’t i imagine that he left her crying and desperately wishing he’d stay and just love her.
i was thinking about how you sometimes lay on top of me to keep me warm in the winter when the bed’s cold. i was thinking about the fact that i’ll never have anyone to go ice skating with now. i miss you so fucking much.
i always thought you were a constant. i never thought you wouldn’t want to be with me. -i’m terrified you won’t come back and each day you’ll beat me home to get more of your stuff out of the house with out me there to stop you.

my boyfriend just left me. yesterday. we were cleaning up a bit. he was raking leaves in the yard I was cleaning inside. we brought the trees in from outside for the winter. I was trimming them so they’d fit. and he started to cry and told me he couldn’t be here anymore and I tried to talk him out of it. i told him it wasn’t the right time we had just talked about getting married next summer and having babies right away and going to florida for a long weekend in january and i tried to convince him to stay in the relationship if not in the house but he left with just a bag and a case of beer and i don’t know when he’s coming back. i don’t know if i should put the pictures of us away or if i should wash his clothes with mine or just leave them dirty in a bag and i don’t know if i should ask him for money for all of the bills he hasn’t paid or start packing his stuff so i don’t have to look at. i don’t want to sort through 3and ahalf years of books and cds that are mixed together and who gets the stuff we bought together and why the fuck did he have to choose a saturday in november after we spent the morning grinning at each other in the mirror at yoga?