girlfiend

Live 8 is set for July 2, just two days before the big Elton John (gay)shindig. I love living just blocks from the Parkway. Once we move there’s no way I’d head into the city for something like this. Too many fat smelly people invading my personal space. Especially if I had to take Septa.

What’s up with Bob Geldof anyway? I’m not sure I get the relevance of this concert for Africa. It seems so 1985. What about Tsunami victims or starving starlets? I believe Lindsay needs an intervention too.

Despite my insane hangover, I managed to pull off another culinary feat: Baked Alaska. The ice cream (unlike the sour cream in my fridge) wasn’t frozen solid, so the edges were a bit runny, but Mix can attest to the satisfying “cutting through something frozen” sound the knife made when I cut through the middle.

The most difficult part was the meringue. Still drunk from the night before I managed to get some (all right, an entire) yolk into my egg whites. After 20 minutes of mixing I read the fine print and learned that egg whites won’t stiffen if fat gets in ‘em. I had to toss the bunch and get Boyfiend to hit up the neighbors for more eggs. The second batch of meringue was still runnier than I’d have liked, but it was stiff enough to insulate the ice cream and turn a lovely golden brown in the oven. Sweet.

Boyfiend, giggling like a schoolgirl, just ran downstairs to tell me that our bed is now wearing fluffy clean cloud sheets. Knowing exactly who I’m dealing with I asked about the pillowcases.

“They’re the same. I figured we didn’t have sex on the pillowcases.”

4 Cosmopolitans
3 glasses of Champagne
1 glass of red wine
2 sips of a white wine spritzer
1/3 pint lager (that’s Yuengling for you non-Philadelphians)
1 shot Jim Beam
sip of Jagermeister

It may have been that sip of Jager that put me over the edge.

I don’t understand how people make friends online.

The answer to the question you’ve all been asking yourselves can be found here:
What Would Jesus Smell Like? via Pop Culture Junk Mail

Perhaps Jason Alexander, after two failed sitcoms, should return to his commercial roots. Anyone remember this commercial? via The Impulsive Buy

Margarita mix should only be used as a last resort. Here’s a recipe from Saucy’s Drink boy.

On an ickier note, the stray that partied with my cats the other night definitely has The Mange or something far, far worse. (For some reason I just can’t refer to it as mange, I have to add the “the.”) When Boyfiend told me the stray’s face was falling off I didn’t believe him because from certain angles the stray looks like he’s got a mouse in it’s mouth. He doesn’t.

A direct side view unfortunately gave me a peek of it’s raw, exposed skin with a chunk of what used to be fur hanging down. Yuck. My cats are now grounded. They’re not setting foot outside of this house.

Boyfiend: You really must be menstruating.
Me: Why?
Boyfiend: Watching Oprah?

As usual, I’ve been a wreck. Talking about money and finances makes me angry and nervous. I can hardly remember where I am. So far, in the past few days, I’ve lost my ATM card, the animal hair attachment for my dyson, and my temper. Worse, I’ve found several areas in the basement that my cat Phyllis (that bitch) has used as a litter box.

Right now, on Oprah, they’re chanting “Katie, Katie, Katie, Katie…” Her relationship with Tom Cruise can’t be for real. They seemed to have covered up her herpes real good. Oh. Nevermind. The close up isn’t quite as good. That’s some scary shit.

I don’t think I remembered to mention that at my interview the other day, the principal, seemingly out of nowhere, pointed and said, “You see the color of the walls?” I nodded. “They’re white. Just like our students.” Shortly thereafter, the English coordinator added that the English anthology is just too multicultural for their population; the kids just can’t relate. That, even more than the drive, made me realize just how far from home the school actually is.

This morning, around 5.30 I heard what sounded like a crying baby in my dream. As the crying became louder I woke and realized that it was a cat. Remembering that my upstairs window was open a crack, I sat up. My cats attract strays, and I knew exactly which one was in my house.

I sleepily left the bedroom and turned on the hallway light. I saw the fat, orange, one-eyed, stray cat at the bottom of the stairs. I went to the bathroom hoping it would leave. It didn’t. After a minute I turned on the light in the office and saw my three cats calmly sitting on the sofa in front of the open window. One of them yawned and lazily licked his paw.

I started down the stairs to try and herd the stray back outside. When it heard me it looked, then bolted to the right around the couch. I was worried he’d hide in the basement, but instead he ran in a complete circle. The stray hesitated, still looking at me. I stepped out of the way and it blew past me on the steps and leapt over my cats to get to the window. When he was behind the bamboo shade he paused again and looked back at me before he disappeared into the pouring rain.

Crazy. Now my neighbor tells me the stupid stray has mange, and my cats didn’t even try to protect their territory. They probably invited him in.

This morning I had a second interview at Ritzy Suburban School District #2. The directions I printed yesterday were nowhere to be found (I imagine they’re still on my desk where I left them), so I checked out Google Maps. Google directions told me to take a road that’s a traffic nightmare so I tried again with both Mapquest and Yahoo Maps, only to learn that there’s no way to get there without hitting crazy traffic. I attempted to find an alternate route using side streets, but the map I carry in my car stops about ten miles short of where I needed to go. I left close to half an hour later than planned,armed with two sets of directions, not knowing which to take.

Sir Mix-a-Lot called shortly after I left my neighborhood and got to listen to my talking-to-myself-while-driving insanity as I simultaneously drank seltzer, talked on the phone, and studied a map, all while driving through the ghetto. He noted that it’s a good thing I stopped smoking cigarettes- adding smoking to the list of multi-tasking would have been nothing but trouble.

Despite my late start and lack of a map, I didn’t get lost. I arrived about 15 minutes early and had a few minutes to chill out before the interview began. The interview was fine- much easier than the first round- and both the principal and director of English for the district seemed like good people to work with. I liked the school and found myself really wanting to work there. Based upon their description of the students and the English program, I think I’d be a great fit.

Unfortunately, even though we’ll be moving closer, I’d still have to drive close to two hours a day. I don’t know that I could do that. Working that far from home means I’d be less likely to get involved in after school activities. I’d love to direct school plays, but I know that if I did I’d be leaving school at rush hour and my one hour commute would be closer to a two hour commute. Fuck that.

So I don’t know what to do. Of course I haven’t been offered the job. Perhaps there’s someone out there who is more qualified than I am and they’ll be offered the position. It would save me the trouble of having to make a decision.

After the interview I headed for home then the gym where I quickly lost interest. I stopped on the way home for an incredible, yet outrageously expensive, ice coffee. My intent was to sit outside and read, but the construction next door was giving me a headache so I headed inside and turned on the television. Will someone please tell me why Starting Over is appealing? After three minutes I was too annoyed with the women to watch. Now I’m eating mango and watching an episode of Dawson’s Creek that TiVo recorded for me. Dawson and Joey making out is just gross. She even annoys me without the Cruise-inflicted herpes outbreak. Do you think James Van der Beek will be able to have an adult career?

(Hi Chris!)

I’ve got a season pass for Britney and Kevin: Chaotic on my TiVo. I am way too excited for this.