girlfiend

Feed Lindsay.

Yeah, you. Enough with the bitching. Live 8 is a free concert on the parkway and if you’re not interested you don’t have to go. Sure the Philadelphia lineup is pretty pathetic, but it’s FREE. I’ll see Jay-Z and Destiny’s Child for free. Maybe Beyonce will wear some of her weirdass hot pants. Maroon 5? I couldn’t name one of their songs, but for free I’ll check ‘em out. And shit, Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas was on Kids Incorporated (K- I- D- S !)I loved that show.

And stop worrying about the numbers. One million people? No way. Remember the Million Man March? It looked like a million, but it was more along the lines of half a million. It’ll be sweaty and crowded, but most summer days in Philly are sweaty and crowded. The no drive zone isn’t a bad thing- use it as an excuse to have a block party. That’s what we’re doing. We’re closing our block to traffic first thing in the morning and barbecuing all day. We’ll walk down for the acts that interest us and watch the rest on TV.

So stop complaining already. If you’re too uptight to enjoy yourself, D-Mac over at Philadelphia Will Do has created a drinking game just for you. I planned to edit for length, but it’s too damn funny in its entirety.

Take a sip if…
… Philadelphia Mayor John Street says something stupid.
… Jay-Z has more than 10 people on stage with him.
… you see someone selling water for more than $4.
… somebody yells “Fuck Bush!”
… a kid in a Dave Matthews Band shirt does something annoying.
… you see Heather Locklear.
… a band gets booed.
… a statue on the Parkway gets damaged.
… you hear someone complaining.
… somebody strikes up an “E-A-G-L-E-S, EAGLES!” chant.

Take a bigger sip if…
… something gets lit on fire.
… somebody yells “Fuck the police!”
… Jay-Z does a duet with Beyonce.
… somebody calls that one band playing the “Kaiser Chefs.”
… you see someone selling bootleg Live 8 merchandise.
… Will Smith says “Aw hell naw!”
… someone hands you a white “ONE’ wristband.
… somebody makes the “What has nine arms and sucks?” joke about Def Leppard.
… Bono comes on one of the TV screens and rambles for a few minutes.
… you see someone you think is a celebrity, but turns out not to be one.

Take a gulp if…
… John Street gets lit on fire.
… somebody yells “Free Mumia!”
… Jay-Z does a duet with Linkin Park.
… Maroon 5 mentions Pennsbury High School.
… a statue on the Parkway is destroyed.
… you smell weed.
… someone asks why they’re having this concert.
… P. Diddy has more than 20 people on stage with him.
… you see an actual celebrity other than the performers.
… Phil Collins shows up.

Finish your drink if…
… Stevie Wonder regains his vision.
… Jay-Z does a duet with Linkin Park and Beyonce.
… Michael Jackson shows up.
… The Pope shows up.
… the former members of Destiny’s Child return.
… Bruce Springsteen and Bob Dylan appear.
… people sing “We Are The World.”
… people sing “I’d Like To Buy The World A Coke.”
… Toby Keith burns the American flag.
… you figure out who Keith Urban is.

Finish all your drinks (and buy more) if…
… Michael Jackson invites children on stage with him.
… everyone takes their trash when they leave.
… the Phillies win their July 2 game.
… Rob Thomas doesn’t suck.
… everything goes off without a hitch.

What kind of dickwad asks, “Does your shrink think your mother’s crazy,” when I’m not even talking about her? Then follows it up by saying, “I really resent your mother.” Oh yeah? Well I fucking resent you for bringing her up.

Look, I just have to say that no matter how much shit I may talk about my mother, unless you are trying to make me feel better, it is never, ever, okay for you to bitch about her.

If you’re going 25 on Kelly Drive and six cars in a row pass you ON THE RIGHT, you’re probably in the wrong lane.

My first open house was today. 16 different parties came to check out Chez Girlfiend. I sure as hell hope someone wants to buy it.

I’m surprised I only scored a 75 on this insanely long 80’s lyrics quiz, but it was tough seeing some of the lyrics out of context. I won’t give away the answer, but I scored ten points on the lyric that’s technically from 1976, which I thought was much too easy to be worth 10 points. Good luck.

From the official Asshat website:

It is feasible to guess that by November, 2001, the word asshat was now in full usage all around the United States. Secretary of State Collin Powell was quoth in early 2002 as saying the following at a State Dinner: (in regards to Usama bin Laden) “We have not yet found that asshat [bin Laden], but we’re sure as hell trying.”

Yesterday, after a job interview 12 miles past not-too-far-to-drive, I drove another two hours to the Jersey shore to visit with my mom for a few days before we have a raging fight and I drive home in a rage. It seems that this time around my mom has gotten some pointers from Boyfiend about how to keep me happy. Not only did she bring me coffee in bed, she may have slipped a Xanax in there. Mmmmm. Morning Xanax. I love being on vacation.

Last night we ordered some Chinese food- not great, but edible, and watched a couple of movies. The first, Modern Romance, bored the shit out of me. I fell asleep for the last 90 minutes. I have no patience for Albert Brooks at his neurotic best, and at one point I awoke, and briefly found myself subjected to his primate-like hairy shoulders and arms. I guess men didn’t go to the salon for waxing in the early 80s.

After the shit movie concluded and I officially got up from my nap, we watched Spanglish. Mix, I couldn’t disagree with you more. I loved Spanglish. The film was well-acted, well-written, and fully absorbing. I can’t stand Tea Leoni, but her character was unlikable, so I didn’t care. Cloris Leachman was wonderful, and the kids were likeable and real. Even Adam Sandler wasn’t bad. I didn’t mind him as a serious actor in Punch-Drunk Love, and I liked him as an actor in Spanglish. The script was a little heavy on the sap quotient, but I’m an easy cry and I like sappy. James L. Brooks is good at sappy- his other films is Terms of Endearment and it doesn’t get sappier than that. My only real complaint, aside from the PG-13 rating which generally turns me off, was that I was convinced I was watching Penelope Cruz until the end of the film when I unfortunately learned that it was Paz Vega, and all of the Cruz/Cruise jokes I was making in my head were for naught.

Oh, but check this out. The IMDB search page for Spanglish has Penelope Cruz’s name as the first approximate name match. It’s not just me.

I really love the magazine Real Simple. It can sometimes make me feel just a little bit superior- like I’m ahead somehow. I can read Real Simple and learn how to organize my closet and my pantry and get rid of stuff I don’t need. I can read the magazine and learn how to clean in the most efficient way possible and give away clothing and tchotchkes without regret.

But somehow it always makes me feel inadequate. My life will never be that simple.

This article is awesome:

The newly engaged Katie Holmes still has some explaining to do to her friends and family.

There were 16 days in April during which no one seems to know where she was.