girlfiend

You know how every now again you have to answer the question, “Which celebrity do you look like?” It doesn’t happen often, but it when it does I’m generally stumped. There was a time back in the early 90s when I could answer Alicia Silverstone from the Aerosmith videos and it was pretty accurate, but outside of her looks in the Aerosmith video I looked nothing like her. And of course since I’m no longer 14 and I don’t generally dress grunge or wear my hair in my face that comparison’s no longer valid. So for more than 10 years now I’ve had no good response.

But now there’s this face recogntion site where you can upload your photo, and it gives you your closest celebrity matches. I uploaded this picture, since it was the only decent head-on shot stored on my computer.
It seems that my closest celebrity match is Andie MacDowell in this picture here.

I don’t really see it, but it’s certainly better than some of the others. I mean really, John Cleese?

Check it out.

I saw this over at Pig’s site and could resist. Here’s the game, and I certainly hope at least some of you participate.

If you read this, if your eyes are passing over this right now, (even if we don’t speak often or don’t really know each other) please post a comment with a COMPLETELY MADE UP AND FICTIONAL memory of you and me. It can be anything you want - good or bad - BUT IT HAS TO BE FAKE. When you’re finished, post this little paragraph on your blog and be surprised (or mortified) about what people DON’T ACTUALLY remember about you!

Come on. You know you want to share your memories.

Over the last few weeks being pregnant has been pretty sucky. I’ve experienced exhaustion, the likes of which I’ve not felt since the first trimester, excruciating pains in the back of my upper thigh that made me limp and woke me in the night, dull pains when I get out of bed, and the sudden awareness of my cervix, which oustide of my yearly gynecologist appointment, was never something I’d noticed before. The baby is now head down and the pressure at times is uncomfortable at best. The baby’s also been moving around like crazy, spending way too much time punching and headbutting by bladder.

It doesn’t help that I’ve now gained 50 pounds. Almost none of my clothes fit and trying to move around with 50 additional pounds has made all of the symptoms I’ve described even worse. I don’t know how I’m going to do this for another 5 weeks. Things could get ugly around here.

The good news is that the baby is healthy. We went for an ultrasound last week and got to see the little cutie. We’re in love.

Despite the fact that all I talk about is being pregnant, until recently I’ve not been comfortable bringing any baby gear whatsoever into the house. At Christmas we did receive two little baby outfits which are hiding out upstairs in a room I rarely visit, but aside from those items, nursing pads and my belly there’s no evidence that in five weeks time a baby will be joining us.

It’s time to get things going. I’ve spent the last hour or so checking out art and wallpaper borders for the baby’s room. Today we looked at paint colors for the nursery, then my mom and I went out to a fancy-schmancy store and ordered a glider that’s big and comfortable and swivels and reclines. Hopefully the boobs will cooperate and I’ll get some nursing mileage out of it. My mother, who was in a percoset induced haze, then bought us a crib. It’s black lacquer. Tres chic. We’ll have a sleek and stylish baby. Except for the puking and pooping.

Traveling during late pregnancy can be fun, even without the aid of fruity drinks with little umbrellas.

In this photo, we see me engaging in a round of miniature golf. While golfing one can get a little exercise and enjoy the warm Florida climate. Upon our arrival at Boomers we were nearly swept into the middle of what appeared to be a gang fight. On closer inspection it became clear that it was not a gang fight, rather the majority of the black clientele were loudly encouraging two black male youths to kick the crap out of each other while the staff tried to break it up. I love watching middle aged women start shit. We walked around the melee and purchased our golfing tickets. Aside from the chance of getting struck by an errant ball or a poorly swung club, and the slight possibility of getting one’s ass kicked by punk kids, not much danger exists at the mini golf course.

In our next photo we have what’s commonly referred to as the beached whale. Or if you’re not me, perhaps you’d just call it a very pregnant chick on the beach. In truth, I didn’t spend more than a few minutes on the beach. Because of the lack of beach chairs and my newfound inability to to sit on the ground comfortably and rise from a seated position without a great deal of assistance, most of our time was spent poolside where the lounge chairs were. By the pool I finished two books, soon to be added to the sidebar, and a Philadelphia magazine. I also learned that swimming while pregnant is wonderful. Weightlessness is a gift from the gods, except for when you get out of the pool and feel like you’re wearing a cememt suit. Lounging by the pool and standing on the beach are both safe while pregnant activities.

In hindsight, our next activity probably wasn’t the brightest idea. It was a warm day, but it was overcast. It rained during the morning and it wasn’t clear if it would rain later in the afternoon. Rather than sit around and watch movies and play video games we decided to head to Miami’s South Beach for some good old-fashioned sight seeing. So far, so good- no real danger there. But Boyfiend, an adventurer at heart thought that we needed a little more action so he looked into a Segway tour of the Art Deco district. Upon learning that the tour was to last 2 hours, I decided that wasn’t such a great idea. I don’t need that kind of pressure. Rather than give up, Boyfiend found a place that rented Segways without a tour.

We got there, they turned them on for us, and set us loose with minimal instruction. By minimal I mean none. Boyfiend and our gracious host E figured them out much sooner than I did. I had no trouble with balance, but because I was pregnant they gave me the biggest of the three which was also the fastest and hardest to maneuver. I could go forward and stop and turn, but it certainly didn’t feel natural or safe. Crossing the street was terrifying. Once we got to the beachside path, Boyfiend and I switched machines. In this picture he’s riding the larger, faster one. In my experience Segways aren’t something you see every day. Apparently I’m not the only one, because we appeared to be quite the tourist attraction on our little tour. As we approached people pointed and laughed then gaped as they realized just how pregnant I am. The stares certainly didn’t help up my confidence level, nor did the groups of people who blocked my path, forcing me to steer around them. At one point I nearly ran down an unleashed toy poodle.

You can’t tell, but in the picture of E and me, I had just narrowly avoided taking out the chick on the roller blades (who knew how to use them about as well as I knew how to use the Segway.) If you look closely you can see how calm E is compared to the smile that’s frozen upon my face. It’s a wonder I didn’t kill myself or someone else.

Aside from the terror, it was a good time. The scenery was terrific, and Boyfiend zoomed around looking like GOB from Arrested Development.

To summarize, when vacationing in southern Florida mini golf and sunning are safe pregnancy activities. Renting a Segway, not getting any instructions on how to use the damn things, and taking a self-guided, helmetless tour through a crowd is probably not so safe. But it’s fun. Really, really fun.

Boyfiend and I spent the weekend in Florida. Southwest Airlines is even better than I’d anticipated. Not only do they give you drinks and snacks, the flight attendants are hilarious and they gave me a preboarding pass so I got to sit up front in the spacious bulkhead seat near the bathroom. The plane left on time, we landed on time, and I didn’t spontaneously go into labor.

I have plenty more to say about the weekend, but I’m going to save it for a photo entry tomorrow. I’m sure you’re all anxiously awaiting the pictures of me, 34 weeks pregnant, on the beach.

One of the reasons why I wanted an iPod was so I could listen to audiobooks. When I learned that the Free Library of Philadelphia had audiobooks available for download it seemed as though things were gonna work out for me. But alas, the program they use, OverDrive, is compatible with Windows Media Player, thus it’s incompatible with my iPod. Preliminary research shows that if I burn the books to disc I can then transfer them to the iPod, but every attempt I’ve made has been met by the error message that I can’t burn protected files. What the fuck? Even the library website says I can record to CD, so what the hell is going on? If anyone has any advice or ideas about how to fix this, do tell.

Until I got knocked up I was never much of a message board person. When I was younger I’d occasionally post at 3WA, or at anti-social, which now just seems to sell t-shirts, but as I got older I realized I don’t have the temperament for it- I’m not much of a joiner and I think most people are idiots. Since I’ve never been pregnant before it’s been kind of a relief to check in at different pregnancy boards and see what other people with due dates near mine are going through. Aside from the baby name boards, which are a laugh riot, it’s been kind of nice to compare weight gain and doctors appointments, test results and generally weird, icky, pregnancy symptoms. By nice, I also mean painful.

People on message boards are perky. They’re also stupid. They like emoticons, their opinions are ridiculous, and they insist upon using stupid acronyms- DH, for Dear Husband, DD and DS for Dear Daughter and Son. The overusage of LOL is the absolute worst. It seems that someone mistakenly told these people that LOL is a punctuation mark to be used as a comma, rather than an acronym for laughing out loud. LOL is used so frequently, and so incorrectly, I have to wonder what kind of crack these people smoked for breakfast.

But sometimes these women tell stories that leave me slack jawed in wonderment.

My boyfriend is starting to make me LOL nervous. He’s a trucker and his mom and dad are both crazy LOL. and I don’t know what to do. The other night I started having contractions and I went to the hospital. I called him to tell him and he said what the hell are you bothering me about that for? I told him I was worried and he asked why I was waking him up. It’s our first child together, but I have 3 already and he has 2 and we were only together for a month before I got preggo. We’re in love and going to buy an house together. Anyway I left the hospital and when he got home for the weekend I got out of bed to clean his rig and found that his sheets are stained, and he had a big pile of nudie mags and when I looked at his bank records he was withdrawing $50 to $200 a day. Is he spending it on hookers? LOL…We’re supposed to get married after the baby’s born. What should I do?

Um, you should leave him. First of all, a woman who was in early labor shouldn’t get out of bed to clean up her disinterested boyfriend’s rig. Secondly, a woman with 3 kids should avoid getting knocked up by a long-distance trucker with a porn and hooker addiction.

Other stories make me laugh out loud, only at the poster, not with them.

Last night DH who’s an artist went to work in studio. He likes to drink beer when he’s creating his art. When he came in he passed out which was fine. Then at 3a.m. he woke up and went into the hallway to pee on the wall. I tried to wake DH up so he’d stop but it didn’t work so I put a towel over it. When he came back to bed he laughed and farted on me. I couldn’t sleep so I watched some TV. When I finally fell back asleep and cat woke me up because it was hungry so I went to get it some food and stepped in the pee and then this morning when DH woke up he didn’t want to clean up his mess and I told him he had to but he said he wouldn’t until after work. Then DH said he didn’t feel good enough to go to work and I told him he had to because he needs to save his days off for when the baby comes. And then the muffler fell off of my truck and it’s loud.

This woman is married to an “artist” who gets shitfaced, pisses on the wall, farts on her, and won’t clean up his own urine. Yet, she insists upon referring to the guy as DH, for Dear Husband. Wouldn’t Dick Head be more appropriate?

I mean really, who are these people and why are they breeding? For every normal woman, there are 3 unwed mothers with abusive boyfriends, and 2 women married to men who’ve done time. For every person who asks a real question about what kind of car seat to buy there are 6 who want to vent about how mad they are that their baby shower is going to be on a Saturday and they wanted it on a Sunday and now it’s completely ruined and it’s not fair because DH’s sister got to have her shower when she wanted it and am I acting (LOL) like a brat.

Why can’t I stay away?

I know, I know, enough already with the memes, but I was tagged this time, so at least I have an excuse.

Four Jobs You’ve Had In Your Life

1. bagel girl, off and on since ‘94. I’m so ambitious.
2. Baker at a supermarket, and deli counter meat slicer. The bakery part wasn’t so bad, but slicing meat was disgusting. I was always trying to convince people that they really didn’t want the mac and cheese loaf and they should get the smoked turkey instead.
3. teacher- kindergarten, reading grades 5-7, and high school English
4. sample hander-outer. In college I briefly had a job where I’d pass out samples of products I didn’t use. I’d have to drive to some random W@lmart, set up a big, creepy cardboard display, and smile and foist pouches of nasty shampoo upon people who mostly didn’t want them.

Four Movies You Could Watch Over And Over

1. Waiting for Guffman
2. Dazed and Confused
3. Heathers
4. Say Anything

I probably have most of those movies memorized. Even when it’s not on I can quote huge chunks of dialogue from Heathers.

Four Places You’ve Lived

1. Philadelphia,PA
2. Henniker, NH
3. Stamford, CT
4. Various Philadelphia suburbs

Four TV Shows You Love To Watch

1. The Office
2. Lost
3. Celebrity Fit Club
4. Gilmore Girls

This is, of course, only counting shows that are currently showing new episodes. If I were counting shows currently in production, on hiatus, or in syndication I’d never be able to decide upon 4.

Four Places You’ve Been On Vacation

1. California’s coastline from San Francisco to Los Angeles
2. Dominican Republic
3. Belgium, Germany, Netherlands
4. Chincoteague, VA

Four Blogs You Visit Daily

1. snazzykat
2. Pink and Green Girl
3. Post Hip Chick
4. Portent Elated

Those are just the pregnant bloggers with due dates within a month or so of mine.

Four Of Your Favourite Foods

1. pizza
2. Penang special at Chabaa Thai
3. Spanish Fries with cheese from Copa Too
4. yellow cake with chocolate frosting

Four Places You’d Rather Be

1. On a beach somewhere (with a bathroom very close by)
2. Lounging by the pool someplace hot (with a bathroom very close by)
3. Someplace with a live-in maid
4. A world without cat hair

Four Albums You Can’t Live Without
I have nothing, so I’ll put in four albums I couldn’t have lived without in high school

1. Liz Phair- Exile in Guyville
I couldn’t get enough of this album and still love it when I hear it in its entirety

2. Mary’s Danish- Circa
This was more of a middle school album. I listened to it over and over again, to the point of ignoring my friends.

3. Pavement- Slanted and Enchanted or Stereolab- Transient Random Noise Bursts with Announcements
Very different albums, but I got them both at the same time. I was profoundly affected by both bands.

4. Th’ Faith Healers- Lido
The lead singer just wails the lyrics which are incredibly simple. I love the song Hippy Hole

Four Vehicles You’ve Owned

1. 1986 corolla
2. 1995 corolla
3. 1995 jeep wrangler- well, not mine, but since I’m married to Boyfiend I guess it sort of counts.
4. 1997 Honda CRV- this was a car my mother leased for me convinced I’d die in an avalanche in New Hampshire if I was driving the ‘86 Corolla. The lease was a very bad idea

Four People To Be Tagged
Sorry if you’ve already done this one and I didn’t notice. You can ignore it if you want.
1. Darren
2. mix
3. lisa mechelle
4. nervous girl

Search term of the week:

little girls etched to be gay as in ass

It sounds perverted, yet I can’t quite put it together.