girlfiend

Around 4pm yesterday I got a call from my mother. She said, “Your father told me you were very upset about being excluded from dinner tonight. It’s the new year and I think we should put everything behind us. It’s time to move on.”

I wasn’t sure where she was going with this so I didn’t say much. She continued, “I hope you understand why you weren’t invited. It’s a holiday and other people shouldn’t be made to feel uncomfortable by your anger.”

I stayed quiet. “It’s time to move forward. You are my daughter and I love you. I want to see you and my grandchildren. Can we put this all behind us now?”

I wasn’t really pleased with her approach. I said, “Yes, if you are ready to apologize I am ready to put it all behind us and move forward.”

She did not like this. She said that she didn’t do anything wrong and she had no reason to apologize. We were the ones who excluded her and we kicked her out of our house and that we need to apologize to her. I reminded her that we apologized to her on more than one occasion and that she refused to apologize in return. She said she had no reason to apologize. I reminded her that the last time we had a discussion she called me a fucking idiot, and if nothing else she should apologize for that. She told me that we all said things we didn’t mean. I said I want an apology. She said she did nothing wrong.

I told her that twice, once after T’s birth and then again after Miss N’s birth, she had a fight with my husband and left when she was supposed to stay and help. I said that she was not truthful about many things. I told her that I apologized to her several times since May and my apologies have never been accepted. I have reached out trying to resolve our issues and gotten nowhere. I said that I called my aunt because I wanted to come to dinner with my family to move forward and that I was denied. She said, ” I hope you’ve learned a lesson. You feel excluded just like I’ve felt when you have excluded me. Now you know what it feels like.”

Furious, I said, “Are you serious? You excluded me from dinner to teach me a lesson? You felt badly so you decided that I should be made to feel badly too? You thought this was an appropriate teachable moment, to exclude me to prove a point? How is that a way to resolve things?”

This point was not lost on her. After I told her nothing was going to happen unless she apologized, she apologized in a general way that only clarified that she felt that she did nothing wrong. She told me that she is selling her house at the shore and that she’s moving back to the city. Now that everything is behind us she wants to sit for the kids and she is looking forward to being useful to me. I should call her when I need a hand. She said she is going back to the shore tomorrow (today) but she’ll back next week and we’ll break the fast together. I said, sure, fine and we said goodbye.

Somewhere during the end of the conversation B got home from work. Almost immediately afterward the notary person doing the refi paperwork with us showed up. The kids were running around like maniacs and the baby was fussy. I didn’t really have time to process.

Later it occurred to me that I got exactly what I wanted and I don’t feel better at all. I got my shitty apology that doesn’t mean a goddamn thing except that she is not going to change and she will never see how she could possibly be even partially to blame for anything. She is going to come back into our lives, that, frankly, were easier and more pleasant without her in them. She will want to babysit and I won’t let her. She will want to be alone with my kids and I won’t let her. She won’t understand why and will become unreasonably enraged and the bullshit will probably start all over again. I am going to have to keep her at arms’ length because I will be miserable if she is any closer. The older she gets, the more unreasonable she becomes. The older she gets, the more apparent her narcissism and utter disregard for others.

So, fuck, here we go again.

I called my dad last night and learned that he is going to Rosh Hashanah dinner at my aunt’s. They invited him, my mother’s ex-husband, my aunt’s ex-brother-in-law, and told me I couldn’t bring my children to dinner. Not only is he going, my mother is picking him up and driving him there. What a giant “fuck you.”

I was tempted to tell him not to go because he is my dad and he should back me up on this one. But it doesn’t seem worth it to put him in the middle any more than he already is and to force him to take sides. If asked I’m sure he would take my side. But he’d never understand why that means he shouldn’t go when my family hasn’t been invited. For him it would just seem rude. He has already purchased the kosher wine.

We will be at home tonight. I thought about making my own dinner but it just seems too sad and depressing. Despite the situation with my mother, I wanted to see my family on the Jewish New Year and was told I could not.

The whole situation is way fucked up.

I’ve been on edge about the upcoming Jewish holidays, assuming we would not be invited to my family’s gathering. Last night, after realizing I scheduled the closing for the refinancing of our mortgage on the first night of Rosh Hashanah, I called my aunt and asked what night she was hosting dinner so I could reschedule if necessary. She told me that we weren’t invited because of my mother’s broken heart. I tried to explain that my mother’s heart is broken because she refuses to speak to me to resolve the problem. I told my aunt that as someone who has gone for years without speaking to her sister, I hoped that she would take my mother’s version of events with a grain of salt. I told her that we never forbade her from seeing our kids or entering our house, that she is my mother and I would never forbid her from seeing my children. I reminded my aunt that in the past I have always been the person to reach out and try to bring our family together, that I have no interest in perpetuating a standoff or grudge match.

We discussed some of the specifics, but each time I brought it back to the point: all we want from my mother is an apology. That’s it. Nothing else. She doesn’t even have to mean it, she just has to take a step to show she’s interested in resolving things. Eventually my aunt stopped defending my mother. After I reiterated the apology bit after she brought up each of my mother’s grievances she said she understood where I was coming from. The conversation ended with her saying that dinner is on Wednesday at six and she hoped we could make it.

This morning she called and uninvited me. She said she had time to think about it and didn’t think we should be in the same room. She said I am too angry to be in the same room as my mother. I was flustered and humiliated. She said maybe next year. I wished her a happy new year and hung up.

An hour later I called her back. I told my aunt that if she thinks I’m angry she is right. I am angry that we keep trying to reach out and resolve things with my mother and she won’t meet us halfway. I’m angry that I keep trying, and get nowhere. I said that being in the same room for a family gathering, a holiday, a celebration of the new year is a good step towards resolution. That I don’t think being in the same room with my mother, with whom I want to fix things, is a bad idea. She told me my mother says I’ve robber her of her greatest treasure. I said that my mother has robbed herself. All I want is to work things out and she won’t compromise. I am not depriving her of anything. She doesn’t want to talk to me. My aunt said she understood what I was saying but that she didn’t think it was a good idea. In tears I told her I was sorry she felt that way. I wished her a happy new year and said that I hoped we’d be able to see her soon.

This is the first time I’ve cried about any of this.