girlfiend

I’ve been on edge about the upcoming Jewish holidays, assuming we would not be invited to my family’s gathering. Last night, after realizing I scheduled the closing for the refinancing of our mortgage on the first night of Rosh Hashanah, I called my aunt and asked what night she was hosting dinner so I could reschedule if necessary. She told me that we weren’t invited because of my mother’s broken heart. I tried to explain that my mother’s heart is broken because she refuses to speak to me to resolve the problem. I told my aunt that as someone who has gone for years without speaking to her sister, I hoped that she would take my mother’s version of events with a grain of salt. I told her that we never forbade her from seeing our kids or entering our house, that she is my mother and I would never forbid her from seeing my children. I reminded my aunt that in the past I have always been the person to reach out and try to bring our family together, that I have no interest in perpetuating a standoff or grudge match.

We discussed some of the specifics, but each time I brought it back to the point: all we want from my mother is an apology. That’s it. Nothing else. She doesn’t even have to mean it, she just has to take a step to show she’s interested in resolving things. Eventually my aunt stopped defending my mother. After I reiterated the apology bit after she brought up each of my mother’s grievances she said she understood where I was coming from. The conversation ended with her saying that dinner is on Wednesday at six and she hoped we could make it.

This morning she called and uninvited me. She said she had time to think about it and didn’t think we should be in the same room. She said I am too angry to be in the same room as my mother. I was flustered and humiliated. She said maybe next year. I wished her a happy new year and hung up.

An hour later I called her back. I told my aunt that if she thinks I’m angry she is right. I am angry that we keep trying to reach out and resolve things with my mother and she won’t meet us halfway. I’m angry that I keep trying, and get nowhere. I said that being in the same room for a family gathering, a holiday, a celebration of the new year is a good step towards resolution. That I don’t think being in the same room with my mother, with whom I want to fix things, is a bad idea. She told me my mother says I’ve robber her of her greatest treasure. I said that my mother has robbed herself. All I want is to work things out and she won’t compromise. I am not depriving her of anything. She doesn’t want to talk to me. My aunt said she understood what I was saying but that she didn’t think it was a good idea. In tears I told her I was sorry she felt that way. I wished her a happy new year and said that I hoped we’d be able to see her soon.

This is the first time I’ve cried about any of this.